Allora… eccomi qui. The start of a new journey into the unknown. Italy has always been a place of unknowns for me. The first time I set foot in this country I was 15, barely old enough to get a real sense of place. Two years ago, during a time of great change in my life, I decided to buy a ticket to Verona to live with a family for three weeks during my first winter break from Northwestern University. Again, last summer, I spent about two months soaking up all that I could in Milan, Lago Maggiore, Florence and Naples. What will come of this adventure?

I sit at a table for two in my one-room Airbnb. I could be anywhere, really. Hot tea with a twinge of coffee-stained water rests beside me alongside my torn up gramm.it Italian textbook, which I’ve dreaded opening for the past month. My “notes”-book, full of my personal thoughts about where I am, where I’ve been, and the anxieties about where I’ll go, is also looming, looking at me, telling me that I haven’t done enough, the world is against me, and this summer project will be a failure. Really, I’m just telling myself that.

Last night I laid in bed, jet-lagged from the day previous, watching a compilation of all late-night talk show appearances by Anthony Bourdain. They were all quite dry compared to his usual voice on his television show and beyond. I clicked on one more video labeled “Anthony Bourdain: Our Last Full Interview”. He began:

“Uninhibited creative freedom is something that I’ve been incredibly fortunate have for the better part of my television career…I’ve been free to do whatever I want…I won’t have it any other way: life is good, why settle for less?”

“When you’re given that much freedom and you have essentially no interference and complete support behind you, what you don’t want to do is get bored and lazy and sloppy. For me I’d rather not make tv at all or make unsuccessful tv than make competent tv.”

“I detest competent, workmanlike storytelling; I’d rather fail”:

Anthony Bourdain: Our Last Interview

I concur. These anxieties, fears, disappointments in myself are not because I’m actually anxious, fearful, disappointed; they’re a result of my knowing, deep down, that although I appear to have acquired a high-level track for success, I am not making the most out of it.  I have been competent, not exceptional.

This summer, unlike last, will be a time to allow myself full uninhibited creative freedom. I will choose to stay, to understand fully and slowly the what, the how, and most importantly, the why. I have been fortunate enough to be able to do whatever I want with this project with uninhibited creative freedom and essentially no interference. Northwestern University has provided me the financial support and otherwise to be able to jump into the unknown, essentially unqualified, to learn. As a 21-year-old, I don’t have that much to add to the conversation, but I’ve been given an opportunity to try.

And try, I will. Fail, even. Let’s find out.

-Ayla

Il Borgo Medievale di Torino… è un museo a cielo aperto che sorge lungo le rive del fiume Po, nel parco del Valentino a Torino.