Uptown Girl and Where I Was in 2022

Back at home in Uptown, Chicago.

It’s been about a year. This time last year, I was about to purchase a two-flat in Logan Square. Things were all set to close; I rented out my condo in Uptown and prepped to move, but the deal fell through literally at the last minute, leaving Sam (the boyfriend), me, and our two cats with nowhere to live in the coming month.

Nothing like a quick pivot to shake up 2022. Sam and I immediately started searching for an apartment in River North. The thought of renting a high-rise in the clubbiest neighborhood in Chicago didn’t sit right with me, but I was sold by the view of our soon-to-be apartment as soon as the agent opened the door. “Can we move in next week?”

During the early part of the ’22 year, time flew by in a whirlwind. I got appendicitis (ouch!), and a few weeks after recovering from that, I started a new job at a restaurant – Gilt Bar – in addition to my full-time gig at the VC firm.

The job at Gilt Bar was my way of trying to recreate the pre-COVID delight that I enjoyed waiting tables at the northern-burb rustic Italian restaurant, Campagnola. Looking back, I really still consider January – March of 2020 the “Golden Age” in my life thus far. At that time, waiting tables during the weekends, writing and traveling as much as possible during the weekdays, and generally keeping myself active and busy only with things that interested me seemed too good to be true. I literally had that exact thought the final week before lockdown as I walked into work to prep tables for dinner service at 5 PM, “this is too good to be true and simply cannot last”. Like clockwork, COVID locked everyone down and I fell ill. Sometimes intuition has a mysterious way of foreshadowing what is around the corner.

When I walked in for the interview at Gilt Bar in early 2022 and the manager asked me why I wanted to be there given my corporate day job, I explained how table service is like theater, and it’s my job to give guests the best show possible for the evening. I meant it. Wining and dining is something that’d been a constant source of joy since childhood when I kept guests at my parent’s inn quenched and satiated with bottomless coffee and house-made breakfast delicacies.

The period of time at Gilt Bar proved to challenge me emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Long days servicing investors at the VC firm melded into last-minute “on-call” shifts at Gilt Bar, earmarked by the dreaded “$5 Happy Hour” food and drink specials until 5:30, shortage of small plates, and annoying coffee service that would take 10 minutes out of my floor time already stretched thin by an over-assignment of tables. This was not the leisurely, clockwork-like dance of Campagnola, but a fast-paced, high-stress sprint every evening to serve as many guests as possible while keeping my cool. It helped that I’d walk out with upwards of $600/shift – more than a day at work in finance. The 12:30-1 AM clock out, however, (when the shift of night workers would come in to prep donuts for Donut Vault and blast music of all sorts in the basement), was taking a toll on me. How long could this last?

Almost three months into my time at Gilt Bar, my relationship on the rocks, my physical health deteriorating, and my sanity barely keeping it together, I get a call from a recruiter proposing a new role that would eventually become my new day job. It seemed like manifestation: I needed a solid excuse to quit Gilt Bar since my conscience kept me there despite the miserable long nights, but I was getting used to the extra income. This new opportunity seemed to engulf both my day job and my side hustle.

On the same day I accepted the job position at the new firm, I drafted my resignation letter at the firm, literally copied the letter, word for word, and swapped out my previous employer with “Gilt Bar”. An extremely heavy weight evaporated off of me.

That brings us to now – kinda. I’m in the same position as June of 2022, however, Sam and I have decided that instead of inflating our lifestyles with our new jobs, we would scale back, move back to Uptown, and dream a little.

Now, instead of a $200 dinner at Gilt Bar, we get a $50 dinner at Demera. Instead of an $8 latte at Edie’s, we grab a $3 coffee at First Sip Cafe. Instead of $18 orange chicken at Panda Express, $13 Bún bò Huế at any one of the many Vietnamese places on Argyle. Music has come back into our lives again thanks to Green Mill and Aragon Ballroom, and the lakeshore, right outside our doorstep, provides us with an endless supply of trails, trees, and ponderous views through which to contemplate the next steps in our journey.

Since the pandemic ravaged our lives, never have I been more excited for what lies ahead. It feels as if I’ve passed through the 7 stages of grief throughout the last 3 years, and now a reawakening begins, ushered in by the smell of Phở and sounds of Jazz right outside our doorstep.

Dueling identities and the unnatural selection of my own future.

There’s something different about the air here. 

In the atmosphere there hangs a thickness of sewage. Tourists flock like pigeons; unwanted in space but a seemingly permanent fixture.

Barcelona isn’t the place in my imagination, but what’s happened to this imagination anyways? It’s been in hibernation for three years, slightly reawakened by the smell of Spanish Jamon and gambas. 

Maybe my pre-frontal cortex has run its course of development. Four years ago, the hazy Barcelona air would’ve been distinct, but enchanting. Tourists a nuisance, but romantic.

Today, as I leave the city and ponder what it means to get older and how I’ve reemerged from the pandemic a changed person experiencing the same European dream but from a new psychological, emotional, and socioeconomic standpoint, I feel like I’m slowly coming to peace with my new internal landscape.

Pessoa still resides with me wherever I wander and speaks truths that resonate profoundly:

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

I muse.

What if I went to the University of Gastronomic Sciences in Bra, Italy like what was planned throughout this Il Caffe journey? A Fulbright research project was never fulfilled.

What if I had continued my musical training and traversed Europe, leaving a string of notes and rhythms behind me along the way? A voice left unsung.

Along these lines, a thousand different realities of my path live out somewhere in an alternate space and time. Dual lives exist simultaneously somewhere else in the labyrinth but live with me now only in my daydreams and nightmares.

Saudade looms. Dreams that never came to fruition due to the unnatural selection of my own future; an accelerated trajectory into adulthood and the 8-5 life, spurred by the pandemic that condensed 3 years of growth into 3 months. Self-inflicted manipulation of my own development into the path that I told myself I’d never take. 

With the newfound 6-figure job and Private Equity title comes a desensitization towards my own internal compass. I am avoiding the self-realized lessons that have been transcribed in these virtual pages throughout the years; trudging forward against my own will. A robot, living a life not even resembling a lucid dream.

Multiple identities will duel internally – which one will win?

Fig and Jamon

Lament of the Antithesis

DISCLAIMER – White Woman Lamenting Below. Proceed with Caution.

$18 Million Dollars.

$18 Million Dollars.

$18 Million Dollars.

The amount my team has raised this year for the Fund. Who have I become?

Homeowner X2 (upcoming), Cat Owner #2 (newfound joys), and a life with concerns related to the accumulation of wealth and comfort in opposition to self-imposed financial decimation and self-declared freedom from the “typical path” in pursuit of all things beauty via sound and taste.

Where’s the appreciation for Good Food? Now there’s anxiety when the check comes, even though I can afford luxurious delicacies more than ever.

What happened to the dream?

Was the dream even real? COVID cut the fantasies short and led me to a life of “building” instead of “growing”.

Unnatural selection of my future.

Let gratitude be the antidote to dissatisfaction?

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